I Don’t Trust Women: Girl, Get Your Life

As we close on 2018, I would really love for the sisterhood to put a few things to rest, not the least of which is the disdain and shade we throw around at other women. Of course, we all have our one or two friends, because “no new friends.” Amirite? It seems women are far more forgiving and trusting of men than we are of each other. I’ve heard this phrase way too many times: “I don’t hang with a lot of women. They can’t be trusted. Most of my friends are men.” 👀😒

This needs to change. So I thought I’d give you all something to ponder.

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But You Check Your Man’s Phone 3x/day 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But All Your Relationships Have Ended Because Of Cheating 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But ALL Your Male “Friends” Have Tried To Hit 👀👀👀😐😐😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But You’ve Been Physically/Sexually Assaulted In ANY Way By A Man 👀😐😐😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But Your Man’s Homeboys Always Trying To Holla Behind His Back 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But In High School You Had A Boyfriend That Was 25, 30 years old 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But Your Boyfriend/Baby Daddy Got Three Other Baby Mamas 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But Your Man Always Have Something Ugly To Say About His Homies Behind Their Backs 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But Men Are Always Trying To Have Sex With You Without Protection 👀😐😐😐😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But Your Ex Left You With Bills And Bad Memories 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But His Homeboys Be Lying For Him About Where He Is Or What He’s Doing 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But They’re The Ones You’re Always Calling To Complain And Cry About Men 👀👀😐😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But They’re The Ones Watching Your Kids While You Go Ride By Ole Girl House To See If He’s There 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But You Call Them To Take You On A Manhunt In THEIR Car…..So You’re Not Caught Spying 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But They Are Picking You Up To Go Get Your Car From Him!!!! 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

But Your Man Barely/Never Sees or Talks To His Kids 👀😐

If You Don’t Trust Women……

And Most Of Your Friends Are Men……

But You’re Always Antsy Because Most Of His Friends Are Women 😐😐😐😐😐

Girl, Get Your ENTIRE Life Together.

Mom Enough

how to feel like a good enough parent

 

Being a mother is one of the scariest, most challenging, most fun, nerve-wrecking, most beautiful + amazing, most awesome, most demanding, sometimes confusing, most sacrificial, most prayer-warranted, most selfless, most rewarding jobs/roles there is.

To all the moms out there who have already raised children, I honor you. It is NO SMALL FEAT to maneuver another human being (let alone several) from infancy to adulthood with no handbook, with a nurturing spirit, with care and constant prayer, with concern, with joy, with devotion. . . .and to release your greatest work into the world and hope that they are received well.

To my sisters, my friends, and to all the mothers who are currently raising children: I salute you for attempting this mom life every day without the handbook that we all wish we had and ending each day somehow (sometimes) with your sanity intact (or wondering exactly how sane you are).

Today, more than ever before, there is a push to have the best-dressed, most intelligent, well-spoken, well-rounded, kidpreneur-in-fourth-grade, ivy league-accepted-in-kindergarten, billionaire-by-25 children. And some days it’s all you can do to get them in the tub by 8 p.m. and to bed by 10 p.m. Give yourself GRACE, celebrate yourself today, and allow what you can do today to be enough.

 

New Spirit, Who Dis?

free spirit

 

When you’ve worked hard to become the person you are. . .
When you’ve released way too much so you can be free. . .
When you’ve spent countless seconds, minutes, hours in prayer and in wise counsel. . .
When you’ve forgiven yourself for so many failures that you didn’t even realize at the time were failures. . .
When you’ve forgiven yourself for so many of other people’s failures that you believed were yours. . .
And forgiven them once you realized. . .
When you’ve rebuilt yourself from the inside out intentionally. . .
And fought past excuses. . .
And fought past blame. . .
And given YOURSELF the closure that you needed. . .
When you’ve learned acceptance and how to live within it and still hold onto yourself. . .
When you’ve learned to love yourself unconditionally. . .
And not allow others to determine how and how much you love you. . .
When you’ve studied yourself. . .
And learned yourself. . .

And study continuously to stay abreast of the latest advances in you-ology. . .
When you’ve labored intensively at establishing boundaries. . .
And enforcing them. . .
Not only with others, but also with yourself. . .
When you’ve figured out and are confident in what you have to offer the world. . .
And you’ve figured out what is valuable to you. . .
And what you can vs what you will not accept. . .
And FINALLY, when you VALUE the body of work that YOU have accomplished. . .
Because it is tedious, painstaking, emotional work. . .

. . . .You will not let just any ole body take residence in your mind, your spirit, your life. . .
And dismantle everything that it took your soul to build. . .

 

On Loss and Feeling Lost

desperate-2293377_1280 (1)

If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I’m really big on relationships- all kinds.  The most important relationships are family -whether blood-related or chosen- and family relationships can be. . . .complicated.  I wasn’t planning to get this deep so soon on my blog, but here it is.  It happened.

On Monday, my granny passed away.

I knew it was a possibility, but I wasn’t expecting it.  She’d been in nursing homes and residential care homes for awhile now.  Because of limited mobility she needed round-the-clock physical care.  However, as a retired school teacher, her mind was still as sharp as a whip.  I would go and visit her and take my son, too.  I have no pictures, because I live in the moment and hardly ever think to document my every waking moment with photos.  I wish I had.  I nor my son will have any visuals to look back on and remember our time with her.  But we do have memories.

Memories of going to sit with her and just keep her company for an hour or two.  She would send me to get her food and/or snacks because she didn’t like what the nurses prepared for lunch or dinner.

I have memories of going to visit her when she still lived independently.  I would drive an hour to go see her and do her hair. She would always say, “I like your hair.  I want mine like that.  Can you make it look like yours?”  Her hair was thinning, but I’d experiment with twistouts using Carol’s Daughter (her favorite) products or flexirods to get her the natural curly look she wanted.

I have a few unpleasant memories as well. I choose not to talk about those today.  What I do want to address is how all this has affected me in the hopes that it moves someone else, helps someone on their healing journey, or provide clarity for someone in their own familial relationship(s).

Despite the memories I shared above, my granny and I were not close.  Not by a long shot.  The story isn’t unique.  This granny is my dad’s mom, and I didn’t grow up with them in my life.  It wasn’t until I moved to Texas six years ago that I began cultivating a relationship with her.  I’d only known her for a few years, and all my visits up until that point were dutiful.  Once I moved closer and saw that age was taking its toll (plus I’d done some maturing), I decided to begin genuinely building a connection with her.  And I did just that.  I put 28 years of history (as much of it as I could) behind me, because family matters.  And although she is my blood kin, I still had to choose her.

And I did.  My visits were less dutiful, but we all know relationships take work, some more than others.  I knew I would have to actively and intentionally confront and overcome my apathy and lack of urgency where this relationship was concerned.  The bond we formed was rewarding.  Nevertheless, even after six years, I was keenly aware of the effort it took on my part to maintain.  Add to that my busy life and the distance (always at least 40 minutes drive).  It’s been months since I’ve seen her.  So when I saw my brother’s number flashing on my screen after 9 p.m., I knew.

Even so, hearing those words hit me hard.  I’d planned to visit her this weekend.  Now, I’ll never get another opportunity to see her alive, and it hurts.  Logically, there’s this (still) disconnected part of me that feels bad that I hadn’t gotten around to a visit before she passed.  Kind of like that old classmate you kept meaning to phone or send an email to.  Emotionally, I’m hurt.  She was still my granny and I chose her.  Chose to get as close as I did.  I’m not sure what to do with these feelings or where to place them.  While I KNOW I would go to visit her sooner if given another chance, I still can’t say that it would be an urgent matter for me.  And that hurts, too.  I didn’t choose the history (or lack thereof) I have with my granny any more than I could choose the effect it’s had on me.  What I always had a choice in was my own actions.  I held myself to that.  I just wonder if I did the best I could.

I Ain’t Loyal

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On your journey to the best version of you, there will be things, people, ideas, ideologies that you will have to let go of in order to step into the next phase of your identity. This letting go will be a consistent theme throughout your life if you are evolving. Releasing things that do not serve you can be one of the hardest things to do for several reasons.

People

Those who know this current version of you are unrelenting in their oblivious insistence that you remain familiar to them. Change is hard on everyone, and humans have this sense of entitlement to sameness of everything around them. Shifting, stretching, growing up or out in the presence of those who see you as one thing is. . . .uncomfortable and intimidating.

Uncertainty

You can’t be sure this next phase works. Putting on a version of you that hasn’t been tested is daunting. The thing is you will never have the opportunity to “test” a higher version of yourself. When it’s authentic, you move differently. You understand yourself at a deeper level. This ability to go deeper is powerful. New power is exciting and scary and . . . .what if you mess up?

Separation Anxiety

Your next phase allows you to go further. You have access to people, places, opportunities, ideas, and knowledge that you didn’t before. This means there may be an unsettling distance between you and the people, places, opportunities, and ideas you used to entertain. You don’t know what it’s like to enter certain doors where no one or few people that you know will greet you. You don’t know what it’s like to have an overbooked calendar. You don’t know what it feels like to be 10x more productive and no one to relate to. You don’t know what it’s like to shop in a different section or to not have to take those meds. You don’t know what it’s like to have more time freedom. See all the attachments?

Obligation

You feel a sense of duty. You would not have gotten where you are without all the things that make the current you. . . .you. Your job, those orgs you worked with, those clients who no longer (or never did) fit your ideal client profile, the church you joined randomly when you moved to a new city. They all had a place and part to play in getting you here.

Sentimental Value

This is by far one of the (if not the) biggest barriers to you moving into the next phase of your identity. There is no rhyme or reason as to why you hold onto certain things. You just do. Letting them go feels like a personal assault to who you are. This usually has NOTHING to do with who or how you are, but rather with what you DO. We are so used to doing doing doing that we often miss our greatest opportunities to BE.

So How Can You Get Past This?

The question you need to ask yourself is this: Are the things I’m holding onto going to serve me WELL in my next phase?

Then resolve to dissolve your loyalty to

  • ideas
  • ideals
  • patterns
  • words
  • schools of thought
  • people
  • groups
  • orgs
  • habits
  • places
  • rituals
  • traditions
  • foods
  • tools
  • companies
  • clients
  • (add whatever else you want here)

that don’t serve you in this next phase of your identity. Drop me a line below and let me know what you are no longer giving your undue loyalty to.